As parents, it’s natural that we want our children to be successful. We want them to do well in the world and not struggle. But this can become a burden on children when parents overemphasize achievement in academics, sports or the arts.
Without meaning to put pressure on children, we can get caught up in what other parents and children are doing and easily slip into the achievement trap. The pressure can become too great for any child and is especially hard on only children who have no siblings to diffuse the intensity.
Only Children in the Spotlight
With only children, the pressure may be magnified because so much attention is focused on one young person. Only children know theirs is the only report card coming home, and that they are the only one in the family to score a goal or land the lead part in a play. There are no other children to temper parents’ expectations.
Given that inherent dynamic, with “just one” child, parents have all the more reason to reduce the pressure, refocus and avoid the achievement trap that prevails in our culture. Just One: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child is packed with insights and tips to keep you from overtaxing your only child (advice that’s applicable to parents of multiple children as well).
Keys to Paying Attention
A few considerations can change your perspective and rebalance your approach, so your child can thrive and find true contentment.
- By fixating on children’s success, we can make it harder for them to cope.
- Too much pressure can backfire with fallout that remains into adulthood.
- Focus your energy on supporting your children’s interests and desires, not what you wanted for yourself or fantasized for them. Caring for children, explains psychology professor and author Alison Gopnik in her book The Gardener and the Carpenter, “shouldn’t be directed toward the goal of sculpting a child into a particular kind of adult. … Children are incontrovertibly and undeniably messy,” and they are different from their parents and other children.
- Delight in your child’s accomplishments even when they are different from yours and minimize and accept shortcomings as they surface.
- Conveying to children they are valued for who they are, not what they achieve, reduces the pressure.
- Emphasize positive qualities—a child’s enthusiasm, warmth, reliability, and concern for others. In short, celebrate their very being and nature rather than just their “wins” or accomplishments.
- Participate in family activities where the main goal is enjoyment, not achievement. Share your family’s core values and prioritize living by them. If the need for achievement starts to overshadow your values, take a step back and consider making changes. Remember, children internalize what parents do more than what they say.
- Build meaningful connections by spending time with your child without a set agenda. Take evening walks or connect over family meals. Use these moments to discover more about your child’s interests and challenges, and how they’re doing overall.
The achievement-driven mindset is stronger and less obvious than parents often realize. For the most part, parents and children are happier when they escape or avoid the not-so-subtle sweeping need to succeed that drives our culture. So we should be especially careful not to let an overemphasis on achievement control or influence our relationship with our children.