Understand the difference between showing up for and overprotecting your child.
Photo by Tholaal Mohamed on Unsplash
Part of growing up is learning how to handle uncomfortable situations and setbacks. This is how children become confident, independent adults. But overly protective parenting can reactively deliver children from challenging circumstances that help them develop and mature.
Call it what you will—“helicopter,” always hovering; or “lawnmower” or “snowplow” parenting, where Mom or Dad mows down or clears obstacles from their child’s path. These overzealous attempts to protect kids can make it harder for children to build resilience and an all-important sense of being capable.
It’s impossible to protect your child from every negative event or confrontation. After you speak with your child about possible ways to handle specific problems that might arise, give them the benefit of the doubt and let them manage. Don’t assume they can’t handle challenging circumstances.
Children know more than we think; parents need to trust them. A study of toddlers from Edith Cowan University in Western Australia showed that, at this young age, children could already resolve conflict and build confidence when parents recognized and believed in their child’s abilities.
Showing up versus overprotection
Smoothing the path or running interference is distinctly different from and easily confused with showing up for your child. The impact of the latter is hard to overstate, according to psychotherapist Tina Bryson and Daniel Siegel, professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, who co-authored The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired. “One of the very best predictors for how children turn out—in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success—is whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them,” they write. Showing up, however, is not the same as constant watchfulness and protection.
Lenore Skenazy was once labeled the “world’s worst mom” because she let her 9-year-old take the New York subway by himself. It was quite the scandal. The decision could certainly be debated given the dangers a child may encounter navigating the largest transportation system in the largest city in the U.S. But calling what Skenazy did child abuse or similarly coming down on parents who grant children lesser degrees of autonomy has unintended consequences. Parents today may give their kids the freedom to walk home from school or to a store alone, only to have police and social services investigating them because someone reported the parents to authorities.
Skenazy has devoted years to educating parents about the benefits of allowing children age-appropriate freedoms. She noted at the time she was being reviled that she “wanted him to become a person who could make good judgments and live well in this society and the broader world.” She founded the “Free Range Kids” movement in 2008 and the nonprofit Let Grow (letgrow.org/) to “get parents to let their kids go. It’s great for children, but society hasn’t gotten the memo.”
Does your state have a “Reasonable Childhood Independence” law?
Not too long ago, a Georgia mom was arrested for reckless endangerment of her 10-year-old, who walked to the store by himself. Similar cases can be found around the country. Georgia’s governor has since signed a reasonable childhood independence law, which protects parents from being penalized for giving their children age-appropriate independence
In addition to Georgia, Florida, and Missouri, other states passed similar childhood independence laws, joining Utah, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, Virginia, Connecticut, Illinois, and Montana. You can find the related law (or its absence) in your state at letgrow.org/states/.
Skenazy believes that hovering and monitoring a child’s daily activities and protecting him from every mishap or failure is counterproductive and ignores the facts, instead giving in to unrealistic fears. “The facts,” she notes, “run counter to and are salve for parents’ fears.” Children need progressively more independence to grow and develop into healthy adults who are capable of handling increasingly complex challenges.
Allowing kids to play in the woods, problem-solve without a parent interjecting the answer, ride their bike to a friend’s house, and fail and take on new challenges are all part of growing up. Absolutely, as parents, we have to weigh the risks, and sometimes we must say no, suggest an alternate route, or help them find a safer path. But balance and parental restraint are also required to avoid overprotection, which can also cause harm.